TED Talk URL for This Video：

Celeste Headlee: 10 ways to have a better conversation | TED Talk

English Script

00:09

All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have
unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive
about politics or religion, childcare, food?

00:11

(Laughter)

00:16

And how many of you
know at least one person that you avoid because you just don’t want
to talk to them?

00:18

(Laughter)

00:29

You know, it used to be that in order
to have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice
of Henry Higgins in “My Fair Lady”: Stick to the weather and your health. But these days, with climate change
and anti-vaxxing¹, those subjects –

00:32

(Laughter)

01:20

are not safe either.

So this world that we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential² to devolve³ into an argument, where our politicians can’t speak to one another and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it,

it’s not normal. Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults, and they found that at this moment,
we are more polarized⁴, we are more divided⁵, than we ever have been in history. We’re less likely to compromise, which means we’re
not listening to each other. And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even
who our friends are going to be, based on what we already believe. Again, that means
we’re not listening to each other. A conversation requires a balance
between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way,
we lost that balance.

01:54

Now, part of that is due to technology. The smartphones that you all
either have in your hands or close enough that you could
grab them really quickly. According to Pew Research, about a third of American teenagers
send more than a hundred texts a day. And many of them, almost most of them,
are more likely to text their friends than they are to talk
to them face to face. There’s this great piece in The Atlantic. It was written by a high school teacher
named Paul Barnwell. And he gave his kids
a communication project. He wanted to teach them how to speak
on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this: “I came to realize…”

01:56

(Laughter)

02:21

"I came to realize
that conversational competence⁶ might be the single
most overlooked⁷ skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day engaging
with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone⁸ their interpersonal⁹
communications skills. It might sound like a funny question,
but we have to ask ourselves: Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain¹⁰
coherent¹¹, confident conversation?"

02:50

Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers. I talk to people that I like.
I talk to people that I don’t like. I talk to some people that I disagree with
deeply on a personal level. But I still have
a great conversation with them. So I’d like to spend the next 10 minutes
or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.

03:10

Many of you have already heard
a lot of advice on this, things like look the person in the eye, think of interesting topics
to discuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show
that you’re paying attention, repeat back what you just heard
or summarize it. So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap¹².

03:12

(Laughter)

03:19

There is no reason to learn
how to show you’re paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.

03:23

(Laughter)

03:24

(Applause)

03:45

Now, I actually use the exact
same skills as a professional interviewer¹³ that I do in regular life. So, I’m going to teach you
how to interview people, and that’s actually going to help you
learn how to be better conversationalists¹⁴. Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time,
without getting bored, and, please God,
without offending anybody.

04:02

We’ve all had really great conversations. We’ve had them before.
We know what it’s like. The kind of conversation where you
walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel
like you’ve made a real connection or you’ve been perfectly understood. There is no reason why most of your interactions
can’t be like that.

04:13

So I have 10 basic rules.
I’m going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose
one of them and master it, you’ll already enjoy better conversations.

04:36

Number one: Don’t multitask. And I don’t mean
just set down your cell phone or your tablet¹⁵ or your car keys
or whatever is in your hand. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don’t think about your argument
you had with your boss. Don’t think about what
you’re going to have for dinner. If you want to get out
of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don’t be half in it
and half out of it.

04:49

Number two: Don’t pontificate¹⁶. If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response
or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog.

04:50

(Laughter)

05:37

Now, there’s a really good reason
why I don’t allow pundits¹⁷ on my show: Because they’re really boring. If they’re conservative¹⁸, they’re going to
hate Obama and food stamps and abortion. If they’re liberal¹⁹, they’re going to hate big banks and oil corporations
and Dick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you don’t want to be like that. You need to enter every conversation
assuming that you have something to learn. The famed therapist²⁰ M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires
a setting aside of oneself. And sometimes that means
setting aside your personal opinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become
less and less vulnerable²¹ and more and more likely
to open up the inner recesses²² of his or her mind to the listener. Again, assume that you have
something to learn.

05:46

Bill Nye: “Everyone you will ever meet
knows something that you don’t.” I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something. (【三人行，必有我师焉】）

06:25

Number three: Use open-ended questions. In this case, take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who,
what, when, where, why or how. If you put in a complicated question,
you’re going to get a simple answer out. If I ask you, “Were you terrified?” you’re going to respond to the most
powerful word in that sentence, which is “terrified,” and the answer is
“Yes, I was” or “No, I wasn’t.” “Were you angry?” “Yes, I was very angry.” Let them describe it.
They’re the ones that know. Try asking them things like,
“What was that like?” “How did that feel?” Because then they might have to stop
for a moment and think about it, and you’re going to get
a much more interesting response.

07:02

Number four: Go with the flow²³. That means thoughts
will come into your mind and you need to let them
go out of your mind. We’ve heard interviews often in which a guest is talking
for several minutes and then the host comes back in
and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere,
or it’s already been answered. That means the host probably
stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought
of this really clever question, and he was just bound
and determined to say that. And we do the exact same thing. We’re sitting there having
a conversation with someone, and then we remember that time
that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.

07:05

(Laughter)

07:10

And we stop listening. Stories and ideas
are going to come to you. You need to let them come and let them go.

07:32

Number five: If you don’t know,
say that you don’t know. Now, people on the radio,
especially on NPR, are much more aware
that they’re going on the record, and so they’re more careful
about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.²⁴

08:06

Number six: Don’t equate your experience with theirs. If they’re talking
about having lost a family member, don’t start talking about the time
you lost a family member. If they’re talking about the trouble
they’re having at work, don’t tell them about
how much you hate your job. It’s not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly,
it is not about you. You don’t need to take that moment
to prove how amazing you are or how much you’ve suffered. Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once
what his IQ was, and he said, “I have no idea. People who brag
about their IQs are losers.”

08:09

(Laughter)

08:11

Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.²⁵

08:33

Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself. It’s condescending²⁶,
and it’s really boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work conversations
or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing²⁷ it
over and over. Don’t do that.

08:53

Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.²⁸ Frankly, people don’t care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you’re struggling
to come up with in your mind. They don’t care.
What they care about is you. They care about what you’re like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.

09:16

Number nine: This is not the last one,
but it is the most important one. Listen. I cannot tell you how many
really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most,
the number one most important skill that you could develop. Buddha said, and I’m paraphrasing, “If your mouth is open,
you’re not learning.” And Calvin Coolidge said, “No man
ever listened his way out of a job.”

09:20

(Laughter)

10:01

Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we’d rather talk. When I’m talking, I’m in control. I don’t have to hear anything
I’m not interested in. I’m the center of attention. I can bolster²⁹ my own identity. But there’s another reason: We get distracted. The average person talks
at about 225 word per minute, but we can listen at up to
500 words per minute. So our minds are filling in
those other 275 words. And look, I know,
it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can’t do that,
you’re not in a conversation. You’re just two people shouting out
barely related sentences in the same place.

10:02

(Laughter)

10:12

You have to listen to one another. Stephen Covey said it very beautifully. He said, "Most of us don’t listen
with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."

10:16

One more rule, number 10,
and it’s this one: Be brief.

10:24

[A good conversation is like a miniskirt;
short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover
the subject. – My Sister]

10:26

(Laughter)

10:35

(Applause) All of this boils down to the same
basic concept, and it is this one: Be interested in other people.

11:14

You know, I grew up
with a very famous grandfather, and there was kind of a ritual³⁰ in my home. People would come over
to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave,
my mother would come over to us, and she’d say, “Do you know who that was? She was the runner-up to Miss America. He was the mayor of Sacramento. She won a Pulitzer Prize.
He’s a Russian ballet dancer.” And I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden,
amazing thing about them. And honestly, I think
it’s what makes me a better host. I keep my mouth shut
as often as I possibly can, I keep my mind open, and I’m always prepared to be amazed, and I’m never disappointed.

11:22

You do the same thing. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and, most importantly,
be prepared to be amazed.

11:26

Thanks.

11:27

(Applause)

Chinese script

00:09

好的，我想让大家举手示意一下， 有多少人曾经
在 Facebook 上拉黑过好友， 因为他们发表过关于政治，宗教，
儿童权益，或者食物等 不恰当的言论？

00:11

（笑声）

00:16

有多少人至少
有一个不想见的人， 因为你就是不想
和对方说话？

00:18

（笑声）

00:28

要知道，在过去
想要一段礼貌的交谈， 我们只要遵循亨利·希金斯
在《窈窕淑女》中的忠告： 只谈论天气和你的健康状况就行了。 但这些年随着气候变化
以及反对疫苗运动的开展 ——

00:31

（笑声）

01:20

这招也不怎么管用了。 因此，在我们生活的这个世界， 这个每一次交谈 都有可能发展为争论的世界， 政客无法彼此交谈， 甚至为那些鸡毛蒜皮的事情 都有人群情激昂地赞成或反对，
这太不正常了。 皮尤研究中心对一万名
美国成年人做了一次调查， 发现此刻我们的偏激程度， 我们立场鲜明的程度， 比历史上任何时期都要高。 我们更不倾向于妥协， 这意味着我们没有倾听彼此。 我们做的各种决定，
选择生活在何处， 与谁结婚甚至和谁交朋友， 都只基于我们已有的信念。 再重复一遍，
这说明我们没有倾听彼此。 交谈需要平衡讲述和倾听， 而不知怎么的，
我们却渐渐失掉了这种平衡。

01:53

技术进步是部分原因。 比如智能手机，
现在就在你们手里， 或者就在旁边，随手就能拿到。 据皮尤的研究称， 大约三分之一的美国青少年
每天发送超过一百条短信。 而这中间很多人，几乎是所有人，
更倾向于给朋友发短信， 而不是面对面的交谈。 《大西洋》杂志
登过一篇很棒的文章， 作者是高中教师
保罗·巴恩韦尔。 他给自己的学生一项交流任务， 希望教会他们如何不借助笔记
针对某一话题发表演讲。 然后他说：“我开始意识到……”

01:56

（笑声）

02:21

“我开始意识到交流能力 可能是最被我们忽视的，
没有好好教授的技能。 孩子每天花费数小时
通过屏幕接触创意和其他伙伴， 但很少有机会 去发掘自己的人际交往技能。” 这听起来很好笑，
但我们必须问问自己： 21世纪，有什么技能 会比维持一段连贯、
自信的谈话更为重要？”

02:50

现在，我的职业就是跟别人谈话。 诺贝尔奖获得者、卡车司机、 亿万富翁、幼儿园老师， 州长、水管工。 我和我喜欢的人交谈，
也和我不喜欢的人交谈。 我和在个人层面
非常不认同的人交谈。 但我仍旧和他们有很好的交流。 所以我希望用接下来的10分钟
教你们如何谈话， 以及如何倾听。

03:10

你们中间很多人已经听过无数建议， 比如看着对方的眼睛， 提前想好可以讨论的有趣话题， 注视，点头并且微笑
来表明你的专注， 重复你刚才听到的，或者做总结。 我想让你们忘掉所有这些， 全都没用。

03:11

（笑声）

03:19

根本没必要去学习
如何表现你很专心， 如果你确实很专心。

03:22

（笑声）

03:24

（掌声）

03:45

我其实是把作为职业访谈者
一模一样的技巧 用在了日常生活中。 好，我要来教你们
如何采访他人， 这其实会帮助你们学习
如何成为更好的沟通者。 学习开始一段交谈， 不浪费时间，不感到无聊， 以及，最重要的是，不冒犯任何人。

04:02

我们都曾有过很棒的交谈。 我们都曾有过。
我们知道那是什么感觉。 那种结束之后令你感到
很享受，很受鼓舞的交谈， 或者令你觉得你和别人
建立了真实的连接， 或者让你完全得到了他人的理解。 没有理由说 你大部分人际互动
不能成为那样。

04:13

我有10条基本规则。
我会一条条给你们解释， 但说真的，如果你
选择一条并且熟练掌握， 你就已经可以享受
更愉快的交谈了。

04:35

第一条：不要三心二意。 我不是说单纯放下你的手机、 平板电脑、车钥匙，
或者随便什么握在手里的东西。 我的意思是，处在当下。 进入那个情境中去。 不要想着你之前和老板的争吵。 不要想着你晚饭吃什么。 如果你想退出交谈， 就退出交谈。 但不要身在曹营心在汉。

04:49

第二条：不要好为人师。 如果你想要表达自己的看法， 又不想留下任何机会让人
回应、争论、反驳或阐发， 写博客去。

04:50

（笑声）

05:37

有个很好的理由来说明
我的谈话里为什么不允许有“专家说教”： 因为真的很无聊。 如果对方是个保守派，
那一定讨厌奥巴马、食品券和堕胎。 如果对方是个自由派，
那一定会讨厌 大银行、石油公司和迪克·切尼。 完全可以预测的。 你肯定不希望那样。 你需要在进入每一次交流时
都假定自己可以学习到一些东西。 著名的治疗师
M.斯科特·派克说过， 真正的倾听需要把自己放在一边。 有时候，这意味着
把你的个人观点放在一边。 他说感受到这种接纳， 说话的人会变得越来越不脆弱敏感， 因而越来越有可能
打开自己的内心世界， 呈现给倾听者。 再强调一遍，
假定你需要学习新东西。

05:46

比尔·奈伊说：“每一个你将要
见到的人都有你不知道的东西。” 我来复述一下： 每个人都是某方面的专家。

06:25

第三点：使用开放式问题。 关于这一点，
请参考记者采访的提问方式。 以“谁”、“什么”、“何时”、“何地”、
“为什么”或“如何”开始提问。 如果你询问一个复杂的问题
将会得到一个简单的回答。 如果我问你：“你当时恐惧吗？” 你会回应那句话中最有力的词， 即“恐惧”，而答案将是
“是的”或者“不是”。 “你当时气愤吗？”
“是的，我当时气得很。” 让对方去描述，
对方才是了解情境的人。 试着这样问对方：
“那是什么样子？” “你感觉怎么样？” 因为这样一来，对方可能
需要停下来想一想， 而你会得到更有意思的回答。

07:01

第四点：顺其自然。 也就是说，想法会
自然流入你的头脑， 而你需要将它们表达出来。 我们常听到采访中 嘉宾说了几分钟, 然后主持人回过来问问题, 这问题好像不知道从何而来
或者已经被回答过了。 这说明主持人可能
两分钟前就没在听， 因为他想到了
这个非常机智的问题， 于是就心心念念
想着问这个问题。 我们同样也会这么干。 当我们和某人坐在一起交谈时， 我们突然想起那次
和休·杰克曼在咖啡店的偶遇。

07:05

（笑声）

07:10

然后我们就不再听了。 故事和想法总会不断向你涌来， 但即便无法阻止，
也不要让它们过多地在头脑中逗留。

07:32

第五点：如果你不知道，
就说你不知道。 广播节目里的人，尤其在
全国公共广播电台（NPR）中， 非常明白他们的谈话
会被播放出去。 所以他们对自己声称专业的地方 以及言之凿凿的东西会更加小心。 要学着这样做。谨言慎行。 谈话应该是负责任的行为。

08:06

第六条：不要把自己的
经历和他人比较。 如果对方谈论失去了家人， 不要就势开始说你失去家人的事情。 如果对方在说工作上的困扰， 不要告诉他们
你多么讨厌你的工作。 这不一样的，
永远不可能一样。 任何经历都是独一无二的。 而且，更重要的是，
这不是在谈论你的事。 你不需要在此刻
证明你多么能干， 或者你经受了多少痛苦。 有人曾问史蒂芬·霍金
他的智商是多少，他回答道： “我不知道。拿智商
吹牛的人都是屌丝。”

08:09

（笑声）

08:11

交谈不是用来推销自己的。

08:33

第七条： 尽量别重复自己的话。 这很咄咄逼人，也很无聊。 但我们很容易这样做。 尤其是在工作交谈中，
或者和孩子的交谈中。 我们想声明一个观点， 于是换着方式不停地说。 别这样。

08:53

第八条：少说废话。 说白了，没人在乎 那些年份，名字， 日期等等这些 你努力试图
在脑中回想的种种细节。 别人不在乎。
他们关注的是你。 对方关心你是什么样的人， 和你有什么共同点。 所以忘掉细节吧。
别管它们。

09:16

第九条： 这不是最后一条，
但是最重要的一条。 认真倾听。 我说不上来到底有多少
重要人士都说过 倾听可能是最重要的，
第一重要的 你可以提升的技能。 佛曰——我转述一下， “如果你嘴不停，
你就学不到东西。” 卡尔文·柯立芝曾说：
“从没有人是因为听太多而被开除的。”

09:20

（笑声）

10:01

为什么我们不愿倾听彼此？ 首先，我们更喜欢说。 我在说话时
一切在我的掌控之中。 我不用去听任何
我不感兴趣的东西。 我是焦点。 我可以强化自己的认同感。 但还有一个原因： 我们会受到干扰。 人平均每分钟说
大约225个单词， 但我们每分钟可以
听将近500个单词。 所以我们的脑子
被这另外275个单词占据了。 我知道这很耗费精力 去真正注意听别人讲。 但如果你不这么做，
你们就不是在交谈。 你们只不过是两个人
在同一个地方 彼此嚷嚷毫不相关的话。

10:02

（笑声）

10:12

你们必须相互倾听。 史蒂芬·柯维对此
有精彩的论述。 他说：“我们大多数人
都不是为了理解而倾听。 我们为了回应而听。”

10:16

最后一条，第十条：
简明扼要。

10:24

“好的交谈就像恰到好处的迷你裙；
足够短，能够吸引人， 又足够长，能够包纳（盖住）主体
——我妹妹的比喻”

10:26

（笑声）

10:35

（掌声） 所有这些都浓缩成
同一个概念，那就是： 对他人产生兴趣。

11:14

我在一个名人外公的身边长大， 我家里宾客络绎不绝。 访客会前来
和我的外祖父母交谈， 而那些人离开后，
我母亲会过来 对我们说：
“你们知道那是谁吗？ 她是美国小姐的亚军。 他是萨克拉门托市长。 她拿过普利策奖。
他是俄罗斯芭蕾舞蹈家。” 我在成长中默认了 每个人都有不为人知的精彩。 说真的，我想是这一切
让我成为了更好的主持人。 我尽量少说话， 但开放自己的思想， 永远准备着大吃一惊， 而我从不会感到失望。

11:22

你们也可以这样。 走出门去，和别人交谈， 听别人说， 以及最重要的，
准备好大吃一惊。

11:26

谢谢。

11:27

（掌声）

---

My Abstract

generated by python script

Footnote

---

1. 反对疫苗运动 ↩︎

2. adj. 潜在的，可能的；势的 ↩︎

3. vi. 被移交；转让 ↩︎

4. v. 两极分化； ↩︎

5. adj. 分裂的；有分歧的 ↩︎

6. n. 能力，胜任；权限，管辖权；技能；感受态，反应能力；<旧>足以谋生的收入（尤指非劳动所得） ↩︎

7. v. 忽略；俯视；漏看；假装不见 ↩︎

8. v. 训练（尤指技艺）；磨（刀）；用磨刀石磨；（使）更锋利（或更强烈等）； ↩︎

9. adj. 人际的；人与人之间的 ↩︎

10. v. 维持，保持；维持······的生命 ↩︎

11. adj. 连贯的，一致的；明了的；清晰的；凝聚性的；互相耦合的；粘在一起的；共格的 ↩︎

12. 狗屁 ↩︎

13. the person who asks the questions during an interview 采访者；面试考官；讯问者 ↩︎

14. n. 谈话者；健谈者 ↩︎

15. 平板电脑；平板装置；平板计算机 ↩︎

16. 不要自命不凡 ↩︎

17. 学者；政论人士；政论节目和一堆所谓名嘴 ↩︎

18. adj. 保守的；守旧的；因循守旧的；(式样等) 保守的 n. 守旧派；保守主义者；保守的人；守旧的人 ↩︎

19. 自由开放的，开放的，开明的 ↩︎

20. 临床医学家；治疗师；物理治疗 ↩︎

21. adj. （身体上或感情上）脆弱的 ↩︎

22. n. (山脉,海岸等的)凹进处；壁龛；壁凹；【解】(器官的)凹处 ↩︎

23. 顺其自然 ↩︎

24. 谨言慎行。 谈话应该是负责任的行为。 ↩︎

25. 交谈不是用来推销自己的。 ↩︎

26. adj. 表现出优越感的；居高临下的 ↩︎

27. 改变措辞；改述；重复信息 ↩︎

28. 别管细枝末节（非正式） ↩︎

29. v. 增强，激励；巩固（地位） ↩︎

30. n. 习惯；程序；仪规；礼节 ↩︎

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