Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML

晚上跟我男朋友一起睡的，他靠近窗户，此为前提，清晨醒来的时候感觉全身舒坦就对着初起的阳光伸了伸懒腰然后深出了一口浊气，还没等我懒腰深完就看到我男朋友一脸惊恐的看着我“亲爱的，你是吃屎了么？”。   FML

Today, it was the last day of school, and I said goodbye to one of my students. She then told me how to correctly pronounce her name. I'd said it wrong all year. FML

楼主是老师，要转去别的学校了，然后跟我的学生们告别，到最后一个学生很认真的告诉我她的名字该怎么念，我念错了一年。。。。。FML

Today, my younger sister said that she was going to pray for her brother's HIV. I have Primary Immune Disease (PID) not HIV. School will be very interesting tomorrow. FML

我估计我在我们学校马上要火了，就在刚才我看到我妹妹子在twitter上面发了一条消息，呼吁她的朋友为我的艾滋病祈祷，我患有的是PID(原发性免疫疾病)不是HIV(艾滋病)。FML

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Within minutes, they said I needed to leave. Their reason? Apparently, I was mocking her dad's speech impediment. I also have one but they wouldn't believe me. FML

不是一家人不进一家门，楼主说话有点儿结巴，结果找了个女朋友他爸爸，也就是我的未来老丈人也是结巴，我去他们家的第一天就被老丈人给撵出来了，我老丈人跟我打招呼“小伙子，你你你你好！”，老子不能不说话啊：“叔叔，你你你你好！”然后就给赶出来了。FML

Today, I finally got to conduct my first questioning of a suspect, who had been arrested in connection with a car theft. As I recited the Miranda warning to him, my mind went totally blank, and after a few seconds, he sarcastically continued the speech for me. FML

擦，老子是个警察，今天被特么的一个嫌疑人给怼了，一个偷车的小贼，领导让我去录口供，按照惯例得先说一遍米兰达警告，于是我就开始说““你有权保持沉默。如果你不保持沉默，那么你所说的一切都能够用作为你的呈堂证供。。。”嗯，然后突然脑子断片儿了，愣了四五秒没有反应，然后我的嫌疑人自己给顺下去了“有权在受审时请一位律师。如果你付不起律师费的话，我们可以给你请一位。你是否完全了解你的上述权利？”后面这句是嫌疑人自己说完的。FML

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

一句话证明自己单身 --------------------- 老子每天把闹钟提前半小时好撸一把。FML

Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date with someone he said was very hot. I'm not exactly what you call fit, so I haven't been dating lately. As soon as I got to the restaurant, I spotted the girl. She looked me up and down, said, "You have GOT to be kidding me" and left. FML

相亲被人给涮了，今儿，我一哥们（特不靠谱）跟我讲介绍一个特正点的妹子给我认识，楼主也相亲好久了一直没遇到合适的，想着见见就见见呗，然后就去了，到了餐馆，我找来找去最后确定一个女孩儿应该是我哥们介绍的，心中暗喜真挺不错的，结果还没落座呢，“不好意思，我刚接到电话公司加班。”人家妹子连句话的机会都没给就直接走了。   FML

Today, I got frustrated looking for jobs and decided to take a quiz on best-fitting careers. My results speak for themselves. FML

找工作不顺利，于是参加最适合职业生涯的测验。结果特么的居然告诉我没有合适的。   FML