【哈佛积极心理学笔记】第21讲爱情与自尊

第21讲爱情与自尊

relationship is the hard work
It’s an illusion to think that the most important thing is finding the right relationship, it is more important to cultivate that one chosen relationship.
being known rather than being validated
expressing rather than impressing, being open, revealing our weaknesses as well as our strengths, our desires, our passions, our fears and insecurities.
there are conflict there.
positive perception
being a benefit finder, and more than that, being a benefit creator.

Emerson, ideal friend:
In a friend, what I am looking for is not a mush of concessions, a person who would agree with everything that I say, rather what I’m looking for is a beautiful enemy, a person who will challenge me, who will push me, who will help me in my apprenticeship to the truth.
who cares about us enough to challenge us, enough to disagress.

helpmeet meet -> help as opposition.

communicating about positive events
So rather have a cognitive disagreement, rather than an affective or emotional disagreement, focus on the substance, focus on the behavior, rather than on the person, on the emotions.
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  constructive                                   destructive
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active that is amazing, get more detail, celecbrate we’ll have less time spend together…
passive that’s great no interest, diverted attention

active constructive responding allied to numerous areas in our lives
on sth that both of us or the relationship will benefit from, or at the very least that the other person is not hurt by it.

It has be genuine, meaning we have to get into the role of our partner, identify with, empathize with, be one with so that we can genuinely respond to it.
If it’a win-win event, that’s when it generates upward spiral on a few levels.

Active constructive responding actually elongates that raising, that improvement in well being. This is the 1st spiral.

The 2nd spiral is an inter-personal spiral, meaning a person who actively constructively responds genuinely enters the same spiral.

Finally, build up positive capacity.

And when that hard work is pleasurable and meaningful, over time that leads to a happier relationship, happier individuals to a win-win togetherness.

They include you in their circle of the self.

Nathaniel Branden:
the more independent we are, the more inter-dependent we can become.

self-esteem

accolade 表扬 expedite 加快 intensify it 加强
success, accolade, praise -> self-esteem
self-esteem raise up but back to base level, or even go lower
not enough success, accolade, praise

One construct, three distinct components:

dependence self-esteem
self-esteem that is generated by others’ praise or approval
independence self-esteem:
self-esteem that comes from within, self-esteem that is not contingent on what other people say, self generated
unconditional self-esteem, or a state of being
where we simply and naturally exist
this lecture tells the above three self-esteem and how we can cultivate independent as well as unconditional self-esteem. finally, next lecture is about how can we enhance our levels of self-esteem.

we can’t measure self-esteem “objectively”.

there cannot be too much self-esteem, but sometimes people associate too much self-esteem to arrogance, conceit and narcissism, it’s not self-esteem. In fact, it is the exact opposite of it, lack of self-esteem.

So having stronger sense of self is a good thing. And the question is “How can I enhance it?”.

the defintion of self-estemm

It’s about the attitude that I have toward myself. It’s the evaluative part of the self concept.

Nathaniel Branden:
“The disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness”

two conponents:

the feeling, the experience of competence
the feeling and experience of worthiness
Both are important.

“Of all the judgements we pass in our lives, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves.”
Why? because we are constantly with ourselves. It affects every area of our lives when we are alone, when we are with others, when we are at work, when we are wokring by ourselves, when we are in a team.

As Goethe said, “The greatest evil that can befall man is that he should come to think ill of himself”.

So high self-esteem is important or the sense of self-esteem is important.

Some of the benefits associated with high self-esteem:

mental health
High levels of resilience, dealing with difficulties.
relationships improve

“Self concept is destiny”, Beliefs or self-fulfilling prophecy.
If I think of myself, believe in myself, believe that I’m worthy, that I’m capable of a lot, I’m much more likely to succeed.

always asking questions, always wanting to learn more
believe themselves
subtotal happiness
the correlation between self-esteem and happiness is above 0.6

On the other hand, low self-esteem is associated with anxiety.
self-esteem anxiety:
suddenly waking up in the middle of night and feeling anxiety for no apparent reason or going through life generally with a sense of anx or fear, not really clear, not really sure of what.

“the immune system of consciousness”
It means that we pursuing happiness rather than constantly running away from unhappiness.

These are all signs of high self-esteem versus low self-esteem
resilient psychology

Bednar and Peterson:
“What is the underlying cause, or is there an underlying cause to most psychological disorders and ailments?” -> self-esteem
Self-esteem is critical:

in understanding many of the emotional and behavioral problems
in terms of treating most of the emotional and behavioral problems, self-esteem as the core
apply on individual level and society level. self-esteem as a social vaccine

narcissism 自恋 curriculum 课程

Rollo May:
“The person who feels weak becomes a bullly, the inferior person a braggart, a flexing of muscles, much talk, cockiness and endeavor to brazen it out are symptoms of covert anxiety in a person or a group”

criticisms about high self-esteem:

equal to narcissism
leads to unrealistic evaluation and ultimately hurts people

How do we salvage self-esteem?
by understanding its true nature

self-esteem is not a product of empty reinforcement
self-esteem has to be distinguished from pseudeo self-esteem, the pretense of self-efficacy and self-respect without reality.

Self-esteem is founded in reality, in actual preformance, in actual success, in actual practices. It is a product of hard work.

secret of success:
Optimism, belief in oneself, passion for what one is doing and finally hard work.

Nathaniel Branden, 6 practices that are important for the cultivation of self-esteem:

integrity: a match between what we say and what we do
If we don’t follow up on what we say, what we are essentially communicating to ourselves, what I say is not important, it doesn’t matter.
Genuinely keep my word, when I follow up what I say, when I under-promise and over-deliver that’s when I communicate to myself in action (self-perception), I communicating to myself, “My words matter, I matter”
the practice of self-awareness, know myself. Self-consciousness.
Purposefulness, having goals, having self-concordant goals, pursuing them, liveing a life of purpose, of calling.
taking responsibility.
the practice of self-acceptence: permission to human on a daily basis.
the practice of self-asseriveness: to say no when it’s appropriate, to say yes when that is appropriate, to stand up for what we believe in

These are the practices that over time cultivate self-esteem, and it’s also a product of self-esteem, it’s a potential self-reinforcing loop.

People with high self-esteem display anti-social behavior. It’s been associated with aggressive and uncooperative behavior.

Levels of hostility associated with high self-esteem.

The paradox of self-esteem

self-esteem is a dependent self-esteem
self-esteem that is not contingent on others
simply a sense of self

3*2 a. worthiness, b. competence

1a. my life constantly affected by what other people think or say, or what I think that they think, or what I think that they mean. Constantly evaluation, what do other people think of me
primarily motivated by what other people think and say.
1b. come through comprision
Everyone has some of dependent self-esteem. It’s part of human nature. Nature to be commanded must be obeyed. If we fight it, it will only intensify
The question is of degree.

1->2->3: an epigenetic model
health dependent self-esteem -> independ self-esteem -> unconditional self-esteem

2a. I evaluate myself according to my own standards. I’m self-determinded. I do take into consideration and listen to what other people saying, but at the end of the day, I’m the one who decides.
2b. not comparison to others but comparison to oneself.

A person who has dependent self-esteem look for constant approval, is afraid of criticism, very often is associated with perfectionism.
Whereas the person has independent sense of self, looks for criticism. In fact that person constantly constantly looks for “beautiful enemies”, people who wil chanllenge him or her, who will help them in their apprenticeship to the truth.
Because they want to improve. Their primary motivation is “What as I passionate about?” “What do I care about?” “What do I really, really want to do with my life?”. There are about pursuing self-concordant goals.

Maltimore Devano:
We say that we want the truth, what do we mean is that we want to be correct.

Many people with dependent self-esteem say, “Yes, I’m really pursuing what is right, what is true, what is noble, whereas actually the motivation is protecting the self from criticism, from negative evaluation, from a lower sense of self-esteem that is contigent on others”

summaries for 2*2:
dependent self-esteem worthiness, determinded by others:
I do things for accolades, for praise primarily
competence: how well I am doing relative to other people, am I better or worse than them? And that determines my self-esteem

iddependent self-esteem worthiness:
I compare myself to myself. Have I improved, am I getting better, am I learning?
And my worthiness is determinded by my own evaluation.

third level, unconditional self-esteem:
In many ways, this is not even self-esteem, because there is no esteeming involved here
worthiness -> not contingent:
It is not contingent to other peopel’s evaluation. It is not contingent to my evaluation.
I’m confident enough not to be engaged in evaluations
competence -> it’s interdependent:
I don’t compare myself to how well I am doing relative to others, nor even how well I’m doing relative to myself.
I’m in a state of being. Interdependence with others, fully comfortable in my own skin.

Once again, everyone has some components of dependene self-esteem, some components of independ self-esteem and some components of unconditional self-esteem.
The question is the degree.
The model is epigenetic. It takes a lifetime very often to cultivate more and more of the unconditional self.

criticism about unconditional self-esteem:
to be the stage of “Well, I don’t really care or don’t care that much about whether I get criticism or evaluation”
is that one becomes detached from others, that one does not care.
That’s not the course.

Budddhist nun, Thubten Chodron:
“Ordinarily, we become vary upset when we are criticized or insulted. We are angry when our possessions are stolen, we are jealous if someone else gets the promotion we wanted, we are proud of our looks or athletic ability.”
“By contrast, when we reach the state of detachment, our mind becomes clearer and more capable of enjoying things for what they are. We live more in the present, appreciating things as they are now, without fantasies about what they are or will be.”
“We become less ego-sensitive to every action other people do in relation to us”

Now at the same time, detachment or unconditional self-esteem, which is parallel that I’m drawing:
“doesn’t mean being indifferent or rejecting other people’s feelings. On the contrary, when we are not attached, our relatioship with others are harmonious, and in fact, we care more about them. We become more compassionate, more empathetic toward others”

Detachment or unconditional self-esteem simply means that we are distancing ourselves or not experiencing as much feelings of jealousy, feeling of envy, constant superiority or inferiority on going comparison to others,
It means, on many levels, that we are one with them.

viscerally: felt in or as if in the internal organs of the body.